Honest, I’m going to write a book chockful of random thoughts someday (my more serious book about religion is already available on Amazon), but deadline pressures keep forcing me to cannibalize my ideas for this column instead.

For instance, do you get confused by the (microscopic and/or smeared) “sell by” and “best if used by” labels on products? “Best if used by November 2022.” “Best if used by July 2023.” Considering the sodium and sugar content in most of the products, maybe the labels should announce, “Best if used by the jerk whose widow you would like to marry in...