Speaking as a father (“What -- am I made of money? Go ask your mother! When you have your own roof, you can make your own rules! No, my abs aren’t flabby, they’re just meditating…”)

No, this could go on forever. Start over. Speaking as a COLUMNIST, with a strict word limit, I agree good fathers should be loved and respected; but they shouldn’t take for granted that they will receive the obligatory World’s Greatest Dad merchandise.

Seriously, they should actively DREAD such a last-minute, no-brainer gift. I mean, if the little rascals are just blowing smoke up your butt, they...