Let’s face it: not everyone does Valentine’s Day well.

A significant number of people are too unromantic, lazy, cheap or unimaginative to make the best of the occasion.

Don’t despair if you fall into one of those categories. Some of the most prominent people in history have been romantic duds. For instance…

Philosopher René Descartes, who declared, “I think, therefore I am going to break up with her before I have to buy a Valentine’s Day gift.”

King Arthur, who fumed, “Isn’t it enough that I splurged for a round table? I draw the line at using sissified coasters on it!”

Library reformer Melvil...